Also known as just the beginning.
So here it is. The big day. The reunion of Lindsay and the sweetest of nectar. How. Does. She. Feeeelll.
Weird. Really weird. And sad. I don’t really have the desire to have a drink, to be honest. And having one kind of feels like giving up.
I realize that I don’t have to have a drink. There was no contract that I signed with myself that had some sort of clause stating that after fourteen days I had to indulge again. But I am going to, and this is why.
This process has been incredible. Again, fourteen days isn’t much of anything, but when you’re pretty addicted to a substance, the thought of any time away from it is a little bit terrifying. I deconstructed my habit and took away its power; it was beautiful and important. I grew in to myself. My ideas. I reestablished my worth. Learned how to love myself better to the point I felt comfortable asking others how I could love them better, too.
I have spent my entire life telling myself “yes”. I am the walking billboard of “treat yourself” of “yolo” of every possible cliché. I work hard, I try to be a good person, and because of this, I feel like I deserve everything that I want. This is why it was so hard to tell myself “no” over these past two weeks… or at least part of it. Telling myself no was at first a challenge; a little slap of the hand when I went to reach for a drink. A heavy exhale when I could only order water. Each no felt like a tiny punishment I was giving myself for no reason. Initially, my qualm with “no” was that I was restricting myself from having something I wanted. Now I realize that there is a much bigger issue with that two-letter word that I have to address.
But really, this drink. Why?
Because I need to learn how to trust myself. By saying “no” one hundred times over, I was inadvertently demonstrating the lack of faith I have in yours truly. This revelation broke my heart. How could I not have confidence in myself, if I’m in control of my own actions, what is the issue? I need to address that I had gotten so deep in to this addiction that I thought if I even had one sip, I would slide right back to where I was. Like a real life game of snakes and ladders, I thought that my vices would play with my virtues so much so, that I would be in an infinite cycle of regret and repent.This drink was to prove to myself that I’ve got it right this time. That things are going to better. That I am going to be better. My first drink was a declaration to myself, to the end of an end of an era, a cheers of “I trust you”.
And boy, does it taste good.
the length of waves 